Mar 1970 - The Incredible Hulk

Hulk wakes up not knowing where he is, which isn't unusual. He then starts to remember trashing a wedding. This makes Hulk sad, so he turns back into Bruce Banner. Banner then remembers that he thought he had cured himself of being the Hulk and was getting ready to marry the girl of his dreams, Betty Ross, when super-villains caused him to hulk out at the altar.

Bruce is devestated by this, but then sees the newsflash that in a few hours Earth is going to travel through a comet tail that will kill everybody. Banner rushes to the Army Base, where he is made to fly the top secret rocket carrying a nuke to blow up the comet. He is a rocket scientist, after all...

He succeeds in blowing up the comet and saving the world, but on the way back to earth, he accidently snags the Absorbing Man (who was thrown into space by Thor a while back). The Absorbing Man decides killing the pilot of the rocket is a great idea and proceeds to smash the cockpit with his wrecking ball.

HULK MAD!!!

A big fight ensues, first on the rocket, then in the wreckage when the rocket crashes. Eventually the Absorbing Man absorbs Hulk's power, turns green and picks up a mountain to drop on the Hulk. The Hulk then conveniently turns back into Banner, the Absorbing man stops being green and turns into a rock and is crushed by the mountain he was holding.

Hulk/Banner wander off being sad...

Mar 1970 - Justice League of America

Mar 1970 - Green Lantern

One of Green Lantern's lady friends (the one who's super brain is secretly keeping a race of aliens alive) mysteriously becomes ill so Green Lantern and her doctor travel to the Anti-Matter universe to find out why. It turns out the unpronounceable aliens, who are all evil, have an ancient obelisk filled with treasure that they can't open, and they need the girl's super brain to crack it. Her illness turns out to have been caused by the dimensional-teleportation device getting a lock on her.

The evil aliens teleport the girl (I just started reading GL, and can't for the life of me remember her name. Doris?) to their dimension, use her magic brain to crack open the obelisk to discover that the "treasure" is a note telling them that their centuries long quest to crack the obelisk open caused a large amounts of research and knowledge that enhanced their world for the better, and that should be treasure enough.

Evidently the ancient aliens who left the obelisk where dicks. The evil aliens are not amused.

Green Lantern, the girl, and her doctor head back to earth, where Green Lantern erases their memory, cause he's kinda a dick too. (insert Hal Jordon joke here)

Mar 1970 - The Flash

A random criminal gets in a altercation with the flash and uses a strange light gun to blind the Flash, who then runs around as fast as he can while blind. Eventually, the criminals get the jump on him and are about to kill him, when a dog comes out of nowhere and saves him. Then, when the flash is at home watching TV, he sees that that a local businessman has been killed by a dog. Of course it's the same dog. Flash declares that the dog is innocent, but is ignored. The dog is set to go to trial(!?) so the Flash breaks into the pound and rescues him. He then figures out that the criminals that attacked him are hirelings of the dead businessman's rival, who had the businessman killed and framed the dog for murder to keep themselves from being investigated. Fast punches from the Flash sort everything out, and the Flash now evidently owns a dog.

I'm curious if the dog ever appears in any other issue, or if the writers ignore it, like DC is so prone to doing with it's continuity.

 

Mar 1970 - Fantastic Four

The Mad Thinker, Who likes to announce how smart he is by announcing that everything happened at the exact minute his genius predicted, has built some androids that look and act exactly like the Fantastic Four. He successfully replaces all of the real Fantastic Four and sneaks into the Baxter Building using a secret elevator he installed earlier. Then The Mad Thinker discovers that the duplicate Reed Richards is actually the real Reed Richards, who then wakes up all of his team-mates and kicks the crap out of the Mad Thinker.

Why the Mad Thinker secretly installed an elevator instead of a bomb is not explained.

Mar 1970 - Daredevil

A new "hero" is in town, and he's a bored rich kid that found a book on alchemy in his library (left there by an alien trying to take over the world) went to his well stocked lab, and whipped up a formula for super powers. Somehow, it must be were-wolf related because it works better during the day.

Anyways...Nighthawk starts running around town catching crimminals and getting his name in the paper. As he's more interested in being popular and not bored, he decides to make Daredevil look bad, and steal all his street cred(or something like that) He drugs DD, and then beats him in a fight over who gets to capture the bad guys.

Daredevil then gets his shit together, get's bitched at by his GF for even being a superhero and goes after Nighthawk again. After donning a costume and pretending to be a criminal, DD is caught by Nighthawk, who then admits he's not really a hero, and has never even turned in any criminals to the police.

Daredevil Then broadcasts the confession using a hidden microphone and speakers he has placed all over the city. He also whipped up a antidote for the drugs Nighthawk uses.

Matt Murdock went to a law school that requires courses in electronics and biochemistry.

Mar 1970 - Batman

Batman fakes his own death to catch a man threatening to kill a reporter. The best thing about this issue is the cover.

Mar 1970 - DC Comics advertisement

No. No I can't imagine Jerry Lewis and Wonder Woman together.

Mar 1970 - Detective Comics

Bruce Wayne is hosting a charity auction when some thugs in scuba gear show up and steal a worthless painting. Batman uses infra-red goggles to follow the thugs nuclear powered mini-sub to an eccentric billionaire's castle where Batman finds his painting and several other works of art that used the same model. The billionaire tries to kill Batman and fails, but not before telling Batman that he was in love with the opera singer that was the model for all the stolen art. Batman decides the guy is crazy and tells commissioner Gordon to  have the guy committed, which Commissioner Gordon promptly does.
Batgirl foils a serial killer targeting red-heads that he finds using a computer dating service. He thought Batgirl/Barbara Gordon was to beautiful to kill. Idiot.

Mar 1970 - Iron Man

Iron Man, still upset about his girlfriend getting killed during a battle with the Titanium Man, brutally sinks the freighter that smuggled the titanium Man into the country. He then decides to go on vacation to try and forget he got his GF killed. Before he can leave, he's kidnapped By the wife of one of the sailors that help smuggle in the Titanium Man. She had found out about the Titanium Man,alerted the authorities and promptly had an assassin hired to kill her. So Iron Man takes her to his country cabin.

Meanwhile, a former employee of IM's late girlfriend is try to kill Tony stark. Of course the hired assassination shoots the amateur killer and smugly goes after his target, not realizing Iron Man is expecting him. Iron Man looses the battle and the assassination disguises himself as Stark to fool his target into letting him in her safe room. She lets him in, but the amateur killer kills the hired killer and then breaks his neck falling down the stairs.

Iron Man still has a sad...

Mar 1970 - Captain America

 

Captain America, having nothing better to do with his time, heads over to SHIELD to try and see his would-be girlfriend. After bemoaning his fate of having a GF that actually has a career, Cap decides to go to the gun-range with Nick Fury.

Meanwhile a woman calling herself "Suprema" and declaring herself the "world's finest female Karate black-belt", is taking over all the organized crime in the country with hypnosis.

So of course they decide to take over SHIELD, cause why not.

They get to the gun range and Suprema boldly announces that she is the new director of Shield and Fury and all his minions agree. Captain America is unaffected and gets into a fight that Stan Lee was to lazy to write dialog for.

Cap escapes, uses old newspaper clippings and Tony Stark's computer to figure out Suprema is a washed up carnival employee using a vibration based hypnosis device that Cap's shield somehow blocked. He whips up a gizmo and it cancels out the divices power and Shield beat the crap out of all of Suprema's men.

Cap is still sad because he didn't get to see his girlfriend at all in this issue.

Mar 1970 - Avengers

 

The Black Panther takes on the über-racist Serpent Society all by himself and is promptly captured; which is part of their plan. After a Civil Rights leader is attacked, a racist idiot and a militant idiot stir up racial hatred on TV talk shows and the Serpent Society announces the Black Panther is a black man and guilty of…everything. The Panther is unmasked on live TV as a black man, but it isn't really the Panther. The Real Panther escapes, battles the leaders of the Serpent Society, unmasks the fake Panther as a white guy in a black face mask (that was wearing the Black Panther mask) and then unmasks the two identical leaders of the Serpent Society as the Racist idiot and Militant idiot from TV.

Someone gives a speech about tolerance...blah blah blah. 

Mar 1970 - Aquaman

 

Aquaman is swimming along with Aqualad when he starts to see crazy shit that makes him think he's hallucinating.

Tripping Balls

He's transported to some unknown world that conveniently has air thick enough to swing through. No one will talk to him till he goes onto a temple. A fight ensues, a villain appears and fails to explain anything.

Meanwhile, Deadman attempts to foil a bunch of aliens trying to hunt down and kill Aquaman so he can’t mess up their invasion scheme. I guess the aliens don't know that Aquaman is to busy abandoning his ward and tripping balls.

 

Feb 1970 - Spider-Man

Spidey land a paying appearance on a late-night talk show and is so nervous he screws up a date w/Gwen by threatening to beat Flash senseless. J.J.Jamison conspires with Electro to unmask Spidey on live TV. Chaos ensues, Electro is defeated, Spider-Man doesn't get paid, and somehow J.J. doesn't get in trouble for his scheme; even though he admitted his part in it to Captain Stacy.

Feb 1970 - Sub-Mariner

Afrer weeks of wandering NYC, the Sub-Mariner returns to Atlantis to get his gills fixed. While sedated, he is possessed by Dr. Strange (who is wearing a silly mask) to go and retrieve an ancient idol. Namor heads to Boston, meets a young lady who helps him find the idol. Dr. Strange shows up, and the young lady turns into a cat/demon and uses the idol to open a portal to some hellish dimension. Namor and Dr Strange go through the portal and get in a fight w/a bunch of demons. Dr. strange kicks Namor back through the portal so he can fight the demons alone. Namor goes back to Atlantis like nothing happened, evidently not caring what happens to Dr. Strange.

Namor’s kind of a dick.

Feb 1970 - X-men

Prof. X returns from the dead (again) just in time to unite all of humanities minds together and funnel them through Cyclops’ optic beam to strike a Pluto sized planet being piloted by evil aliens. The optic beam somehow transmits all of humanities happy thoughts to the aliens who then give up and fly their planet away.

Feb 1970 - Teen Titans

The grownups are pretty pissed off at the Teen Titans after they kill the most recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. No one believes he was a sociopath bent on causing a Holocaust; the Titans should have gotten proof. Teenagers, go figure.

Feb 1970 - The Hulk

Hulk trashes suit…Raaargh!!!
Bruce Banner now thinks he can control his rampaging id, and asks Betty to marry him. He then asks Betty's dad, who has spent a few years actively trying to destroy Banner's alter ego, agrees. Cue the villain team-up to ruin the wedding.

Feb 1970 - The Flash 194

The Flash rescues a tourist while fighting a gang of thugs with an owl theme. The tourist is possessed by the ghost of a woman who died a century earlier and thinks the Flash is her fiancée. Somehow she has a marriage ceremony w/the Flash and then drags him to the afterlife. Flash vibrates himself invisible and ditches her by, predictably, running away real fast.

Feb 1970 Daredevil 61

Daredevil's would be GF, Karen, knows that Daredevil is Matt Murdock, and now now has to get overemotional when DD goes to fight villains. Nevertheless, DD goes to a carnivale rented by three old foes to kick the crap out of them; but not before the kill the Guy who owns the carnival that lured DD into a trap. Karen shows up after the battle and lets DD know he forgot her birthday, and that he is a horrible, horrible person for forgetting.

Feb 1970 - Iron Man 22

Well, the brain damaged boxer that Tony hired to be Iron Man didn't die, and Tony decides that despite the fact that he has a synthetic heart that could fail at any moment, he will be Iron Man himself. He then, of course, gets into a big fight with two different villains involved and Tony's current GF seemingly dies via electric shock from one of the villains. I can't remember which one, but he was wearing fancy armor.
Anyways...now Tony has a broken, synthetic heart.

Feb 1970 - JLA

Green Arrow, while fighting villains in heavy smog, fires a flare arrow so he can see the villains, and sets a river ON FIRE. I fell I must mention that again. The Green Arrow set a river on fire while trying to see in heavy smog.
This comic seems to have an environmental message...

Anyways...The JLA gets a brand new clubhouse satellite, but seem to be unimpressed by it. No one seems to take any time to memorize the complex floorplan/diagram.

 

For some reason Superman and Green Lantern go off into space and find a planet that has been polluted to death, and now suspect aliens are making humans do the same to Earth.

• Historical Note: In June of 1969, a river in Cleveland, Ohio caught fire.